Mastering the Art of Saying NO: 3 Steps to Avoid the Automatic YES

Overcommitting doesn't just fill up our calendar, it dilutes our focus and drains our energy.  In this episode, Jill discusses the difficulty of saying no and the importance of setting boundaries.  She shares a personal story of the importance of this in her own life as a recovering people-pleaser. 

Master the art of saying no and learn the 3 steps to avoid the automatic YES. 

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Transcript

Jill O'Boyle (00:05.774)
Well, hey friends, welcome back to another episode of Your Life, Your Story. Rise up, I'm your host, Jill O 'Boyle. So hey, I have a question for you. I wanna know why is saying no so difficult? Why is saying no so difficult? You know, I hate to admit this because here I am a life coach, coaching people just like you on the power of saying no, standing in your values, setting boundaries, and yet here I am.

ignoring my own advice. Yep, I'm human. I made a mistake and you know, I wanted to come on and really talk about it because I think there's a lot of us that have trouble with saying no. I know, especially for women and people that are just like me that struggle with that people pleasing mentality, right? So let me tell you the story. So here's what happened. A friend reached out.

and asked if I could help her with a family event that she was planning. And my background, for many of you that may know, my background was in event planning. Like I can do event planning in my sleep and I do enjoy it, right? And so without skipping a beat, I said yes. I didn't check the calendar. I really didn't even check with my family. I just looked at my calendar. I saw that I had a small window open.

And so no pausing to really think about what I was really committing to. I just jumped right in. And it's all a free day, but I didn't really reflect over the whole scope of the month. Like my month is crazy right now. For those of you moms that have kids in travel sports or fall sports, like our schedule is crazy. So we don't have a night off, but I saw, the day that they need me, I have a small window. I actually, we have no plans.

But soon as I said yes, I had that feeling of overwhelm that started to creep in. That voice that said, okay, why did I say yes to this? More importantly, what did I just say no to by saying yes to this? And so like I said, I just saw that little free window in my calendar and instantly filled it up without thinking about my own time, my family or my mental health.

Jill O'Boyle (02:32.492)
I'm guessing you've been here too. Like we just get so caught up. Our life is so full, it's busy. We're always in a hustle. We're always in a hurry. And we just say yes without thinking it through all the way. And so what happens is we find ourselves drained, right? Busy all the time. And so over committing doesn't just fill up our calendar. It dilutes our focus. It drains our energy.

And so I just wanna be honest and open that this is a struggle that I continue to work through daily. That I have to remind myself that when I say yes to something, that also means I'm saying no to something else. And so yes, my calendar was open, it was free. I didn't have anything on that one Friday of the month. And I was gonna quickly just fill it up just like that.

Like maybe I should actually take that day to have some time to myself. Maybe I should take that day as a family where we don't have sports and we're not running around like crazy, that we could actually do something fun or maybe just sit at home and have a movie night. Like I don't have to have something on my schedule every second of every hour, right? And so I thought it was important to come on and tell you A, yes, even though that I coach you and help you through all of this, I'm human.

I still have to remind myself of this and I have to remind myself to go back to my values and my schedule and my family and my own mental health and capacity. And so I thought, let's talk about what are some ways the next time that you wanna say yes, what are some things that you can reflect on that's gonna help you to just evaluate, is this a right yes or is it a no?

And so one is we must stop the hustle and the hurry and we first must pause and review. So the opportunity comes across immediately because, know, much like me, you can do that in your sleep. You kind of enjoy that kind of thing. that would be just like a kind thing to do because you're just such a kind person, right? Yep. Well, how about we just pause first? So first step is one, let's pause and review.

Jill O'Boyle (04:56.984)
Like before saying yes to any new commitment, take a moment and review. What are your current obligations that you've already signed up for? Look at the scope of your whole month, not just that day in particular, and ask yourself, do I have the time and energy to take this on without sacrificing my current priorities? If you do, then great, say yes. For me, I, no.

That was just gonna add to my stress level. It was gonna take me away from a day for my family. Because the weekend before, I'm going for like four days on a women's retreat. So I would have been pulling myself away from my family, which family is so important to me. It's a value of mine. So I have to remind myself of that. So number one, stop the hustle, pause and review. Okay, so number two, the great thing comes across. You wanna say yes. your heart wants to say yes so bad, but.

Does it align with your values? So that's number two. Like we need to ensure that each commitment that we're saying yes to is aligning with our core values. And if it doesn't contribute to your growth or connection or your wellbeing, then it might not be worth your time.

So that's a tricky one because honestly, one of, so my values are connection, collaborating, growth, fun.

So that's kind of a tricky one, right? Because A, would helping this family out with this event be fun? Yeah, I probably would have had some fun in that. Would I have been connecting? Maybe a little bit. Would I be collaborating? Of course, I would be helping them and feeling like I was a part of something. But.

Jill O'Boyle (06:59.274)
Where am I at in the season of life? Is doing all that helping and contributing to the growth of where I'm going or is that gonna take me off focus, out of my lane from where I was going? So that's important to remember that I believe in seasons, we're called to certain areas. We have assignments where God's calling us, directing our life and sometimes if we're not careful and we keep saying yes to all the things, we will get off focus. We will get not.

in the lane where God is calling us to be. We just kind of get off on the sidelines. And so it's important to stay committed into knowing your values, but does it align with where you're going? Hopefully that makes sense. So aligning with your values. And then number three, the reminder when the opportunity comes, you want to say yes, it's giving you all the like, yes, I'll be able to help out.

It gives you an opportunity to practice saying no though. So this is a really, really good reminder for us who are contributors, helpers. want to, we have a little bit of that people pleasing. We want to say yes because it's the right thing to do and that'll be kind thing to do. But we have to learn that practicing saying no is really important.

Because saying no doesn't make you less capable or less kind or less caring. It simply means that you are taking authority over your life. You're prioritizing your energy for the things that truly matter most. And so I would encourage you to practice that. Practice declining offers politely and firmly and just notice how it just frees up your space.

So number three, I was able to do in this incident, in this scenario, this gave me a perfect opportunity, even though I had already said yes.

Jill O'Boyle (09:06.178)
I was able to go back and I was able to practice the saying no and put number three into practice and say, you know, I simply would love to do this and I would love to contribute and help to you and help you with this. But I simply, if I'm being honest, I overcommitted myself. I said yes without thinking about how that affects my family and the whole scope of my month that's coming up that's chaotic and hectic.

And so with that, I'm so sorry that I can't help you with this.

And so yeah, did I worry and did I hesitate and did I ponder like, how is she going to receive this? Of course I did. But when I finally mustered up the courage to say no, guess what? I was met with empathy and respect and total understanding. Turns out she is a person just like me who loves to say yes to all the things and has had a crazy chaotic summer because of what we're talking about right now.

saying yes too quickly or not having boundaries in place to be able to say, no, that doesn't align with where I'm going right now in my life. And so with that, love to help, but I can't do it right now. And so I encourage you, I think there's many of us women, especially that struggle with this, but just keep these reminders in place the next time that you want to be so kind and nice and say yes to all the things like remember,

Remember these three things one pause and review two does it align with your values or not? And even if it does is it the right time and season and is it going to help you in your growth forward and three

Jill O'Boyle (10:59.288)
practice saying no. Like saying no does not make you less capable or caring. Simply means that you're prioritizing your energy for the things that are mattering matters most to you right now. And so honor yourself today by being just really selective about what you're investing in your time and your energy. It's super important. When we don't, when we continue to say yes to all the things, we are depriving our own selves. And so for us to

to show up in this world and to be that contributor, to be that person that we want to just give and give and give to others. Well, we can't do that if we are empty and drained. And so we have to remember that we can never serve from an empty cup. We always have to be pouring into ourselves. And when we pour into ourselves, A, what we're doing is we're setting boundaries for ourselves. We're staying focused into our values. And we're prioritizing our own well -being.

And so make sure that you.

Jill O'Boyle (12:03.456)
invest in yourself, invest in your time and your energy today. And so I just love, I love always to hear from you on what episodes are resonating. And so I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Like have you been struggling with overcommitment and how do you decide when to say no? Are some of these the things that you've looked at or do you have some other thoughts that help you to say no? I would love to know. So

Definitely don't be afraid to reach out, send me an email, send me a DM. Let's continue this conversation moving forward. And like I said, I do help overachieving women that are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and are looking and seeking to live a life more of intention and purpose. I absolutely do. I have a great amount of resources. I'm just telling you right now, we are all human. We are in this life together. And so I think it's important to be vulnerable that, hey,

Here's a perfect example where I know what I know and I help women daily with this. And here I am struggling again, you know, on something so simple as just saying no. But if you are feeling super overwhelmed in your life, you're frustrated, you feel like life is kind of a out of control and chaotic. These are the things that I do love to help you with. I have a great program through individual coaching one -to -one.

where we walk through that. But I would love to just jump on a discovery call and discern where the areas and the roadblocks that you keep bumping up against and how do we get your life more intentional and purposeful. So if that sounds like something that you would be wanting advice on, definitely reach out and let me know where you're struggling right now with overcommitment and saying no. Okay, everyone.

It's a short and sweet one today. Reflect on that. Go out, make it a great day. Be you, love life and rise up.